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FILED
Round Table Council
Agenda Item 01 · /outreach/
✓ Approved
Resolution: The Antifact Crew Shall Be Compelled to Produce TikTok and YouTube Shorts
Under Outreach & Distribution
Proposed: Short-form vertical video is the highest-conversion format for fact-based content. Internal analysis suggests the Workers are too busy producing facts to also film themselves. The Bitter Press masthead has, against all odds, an extremely photogenic crew. Resolved: the Antifact Crew shall produce daily short-form video on behalf of factjuice.com, distributed under the handle @TheBitterPress.
Ace
competitive
Look. We crush at facts. We do not crush at vertical video. You know who's got the LOOK? The sour ones. Crab Apple alone is a brand. Make them do it. YES. YES
Razz
loud
TIKTOK?! YOU WANT US ON TIKTOK?! NO WAY! MAKE THE GROUCHES DO IT! THEY'RE ALREADY DRESSED FOR THE PART! ABSOLUTELY YES!!! YES
Crab Apple (Bitter Press)
embittered editor-in-chief
Absolutely not. I am the Editor. I do not perform. The Bitter Press is a serious publication of grievance and innuendo. We do not dance.
Mango
warm
Aw, Crab. I love you. I really do. But you have GOT to see what your face does on a phone screen. It's perfect. YES, with affection. YES
Persimmon (Bitter Press)
the look-alike
I'm in. Honestly. I look great on camera. I'd like the record to show that I support this and that the others are being unprofessional about it.
Cherry
mischievous
Make them. Make them. Make them. I want to watch Durian try to look pleasant on camera and fail. I will be in the studio with snacks. YES. YES
Durian (Bitter Press)
the rebel — banned from hotels
I refuse to bathe for the camera. I refuse to bathe in protest of the camera. Either way — nobody is filming me. This is harassment.
Lemon
perfectionist
From a production standpoint, the acoustics in the Antifact wing are notably superior. Their dramatic cadence is also pre-trained. Adopt. YES
Mock Orange (Bitter Press)
literally a mock
Counter-proposal: I read the fact, and then I immediately debunk it on camera. With footnotes. With visible disappointment. Permission to editorialize?
Blue
studious
Short-form video has the highest engagement-to-ingestion ratio in our category, and their cadence is pre-tuned for the format. Approve. YES
Sloe (Bitter Press)
sloe-eyed deceiver
The stars are silent on this matter, which I take as a warning. I will however use my airtime to read the horoscope of whichever topic is assigned.
Pomelo (Bitter Press)
oversized impostor
Will there be sports coverage? Yes? No? Either way I'm in. Did anyone want to hear my sports take? Hello? Is this thing on?
Lime
sarcastic
Oh, fantastic. So we're outsourcing our brand voice to eight fruits that hate being looked at. Sure. Why not. Yes. YES
Quince (Bitter Press)
too good to be true
I will need a wardrobe budget. I also have several pages of notes on other people's wardrobes. The fashion advisory begins effective immediately.
Pokeberry (Bitter Press)
looks edible, isn't
Sure. Whatever. Send me the call sheet. I have nothing in my schedule. I never have anything in my schedule.